‘Pressure can burst a pipe, or pressure can make a diamond’.

This post is about pressure, which I currently feel. A member of my family does not understand my depression or anxiety ‘what do you have to be depressed about, ‘calm down your overeacting’… I hear this all the time from this person, and all it does is adds fuel to the already burning fire. You ask me about my return to uni, have I chased it up, have I heard from my tutor. The thing is not once have you asked how I am, how I feel about returning. Currently I am in talks with my tutor about planning my return, she wants everything to run smoothly just as much as I do. I talk to her weekly and ensure plans are starting to form. However, this family member is only concerned with my return to uni, this had turned me actually quite sour towards them. They are putting pressure on me to complete my degree and earn money, six weeks is all I have left. This pressure you are putting on me is unreal, i’ll soon be earning and when I am I won’t be grateful for the pressure youve piled on me just for the sake of six weeks.

And lastly… yes i’m ready for my return, and yes i’m currently feeling ok.. but in future maybe handle me a bit more sensitively, understand that money doesn’t make you happy, it might help for a short while. But money isn’t going to help my anxiety either, even though I will be earning a acceptable amount.. I will still have worries, maybe you get your head around that before I burst!!

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‘Some people say they could never work with sick kids, i’m the opposite… They have this will to survive that is so strong, they never give up’.

An honest account of my children’s nursing degree.

I started my degree in January 2015, I was excited to begin this journey, and my first grades reflected my motivation. My first placement was on a general childrens ward, and other areas included theatres, and one day with a community midwife. First year went by very fast and soon I was faced with second year. This year proved difficult and I began to regret my career choice. My anxiety began to overwelm me as the pressure built up, attending placements, writing essays and working part time, it all became to much. Still I managed to plough through, again with good grades. But I felt physically and emotionally drained. 

By the time third year came I felt glad to be close to the finish line. My grades took a slight dip, and I did not enjoy placements at all. In July last year I had a nervous breakdown and the doctor signed me off. I slept the days away, cried a lot and would not leave the house. I returned to University once I felt well again, but in October this year I was signed off again with depression, my medications were increased and this knocked me about for a while. I should have finished my degree December 24th, instead I am now returning to practice and making up my lost hours. Its not that I have given up but I needed to rest and now feel ready to continue at my own pace.

I understand my anxiety is a part of me, but this course has not helped. The 13 hour shifts, the lack of financial support, the academic pressure and the expectation of parents/patients has contributed to my increased anxiety. It is common knowledge that the NHS is in crisis, nurse shortages, packed A and E’s and critically ill patients just to name a few of the issues.

But with all this considered I have seen children survive the most horrific illnesses, the children I care for are the reason I still want to continue what I do, therefore just like these poorly children I will not give up.

‘Cuddling literally kills depression and relieves anxiety’.

Well I think so anyway…

This new years eve was so different for me.. normally I would be out wearing a glittery, tight, uncomfortable dress in too high heels, with too much make up on. But this year was different as firstly I was working and secondly I wanted to get straight back home to my man.

Once I left work I went straight to his house to be welcomed by chinese food and cuddles. And I could not have asked for anything more. We saw the new year in holding eachother and making plans for this year. That night meant more to me than previous years, falling out of clubs/pubs and paying over the odds to get home. 

I love that I was snuggled up in my mans arms to see in 2018, I love that its the only place in this world where I feel at ease, protected, safe, and loved. Most of all I felt free from the worry and thoughts that plague my mind daily. 

This year on December 31st I know where i’ll be 😊❤

A little xmas update…

So this years xmas has been awful to be honest, I spent xmas day driving around and seeing everyone.. and getting soaked on by the rain. Although looking at the positives, my little cousins made me laugh, and I enjoyed indulging in all the food. I missed my partner badly on xmas day but felt better once I visited him on boxing day. This year has been a blur, full of ups and mainly downs, I am looking forward to the new year. And hopefully with a more positive outlook, I will finish my degree, fet a job and enjoy a few holidays 😊 For now though 2017… Ciao adios i’m done. 

‘Sometimes i’m the mess, sometimes i’m the broom, on my hardest days I have to be both’. 

The above picture was taken weekend before last. In which I attended a xmas party, I danced and socialised and managed to look half decent. A week later and everything appears so different.
Last week was a rubbish week for me, I was tired, fed up and angry at times. As well as being un able to sleep and managing with it, I got through it, somehow. I didn’t want to socialise, or step foot out of the house at all. Last week I intended to sort out all my xmas shopping, visit my nan and remain smiley at work. I managed to visit my nan, complete some xmas shopping but no, didn’t think I was particularly happy at work. Then I had a punctured tyre so when I did finally venture out I ended up at a garage anyway 🙈

This weekend hasn’t been great either, I didn’t enjoy my night out Saturday and again felt like I couldn’t sleep or didn’t need sleep. So Sunday was meant to be a day with my man but no I dropped him at the train station and went home to sleep for 3 hours. Today has been a bit better, xmas shopping is almost complete, and wrapped, I helped my sister with an issue of hers and remained relatively calm.

The quote above has helped me reflect on the bad days. I know my mood will improve, and I partly blame the time of year. To be honest I can’t wait for xmas to be over. Once it is I can relax!!

‘If someone is pushing you away, thats when the person needs you must’.

I am clearly a perfect example of this, this quote is relatable in so many ways. I will push my man away till he is almost as drained as I am, I don’t like this and need to channel some different behaviours. I push you away in the hope you won’t go, that you will protect me and make me feel safe. Today has been out of control, from having only three hours sleep, to trying to push you away some more then, crying about it for the rest of the early hours.. But you handle me well, you hold me, reassure me, you know how i’m feeling by my moods, my tone and my facial expressions. And for that I love you, you didn’t give up on me no matter how hard I have pushed. A few more things to add, I thank you for being my rock, making me feel safe and reminding me of all the good memories.  

Tonight I have managed to calm down, be thankful and smile again 😊

‘I am the same person I was before you found out that I suffer with anxiety.’ 

I have always struggled in social situations, I desired to be a social butterfly but instead kept myself isolated. This leading me to dread meeting new people or new love. Sometimes when you aren’t looking is when you find somebody who genuinely cares, that was the case for me. This year has seen me face dark times, in which I have done so, alone. But I knew you were different as soon as I met you, I liked you straight away. But as always my anxiety makes me think the worse, so I instantly knew that the more we spoke the sooner I would have to be honest about my mental health. The more I began to fall for you the more anxious I became about telling you that I have anxiety. When I first told you, you listened, you held me and then came the hard part, you witnessed my mood changes yourself. I can be completely loving and bubbly one day then the next I can appear distant and isolated. It was then I thought you would leave me and not manage this situation, and I thank you for not doing that. Instead you talked me round, or made me laugh or just gave me a big cuddle as I cried. I’m smiling now as I write this because you don’t how much of a big difference you have made to my confidence, you have made me see that people do understand how i’m feeling, therefore I should not shut everybody out. I am grateful to have you in my life, I hope you know that all the little things you do mean the most to me.. The cute messages, the nights you have wanted us to go out when I all I wanted to do was stay in and be with you, the talks about our future and when you hold my hand when we are out. All these help me to feel secure around you and allows me to open up to you.

Although this maybe ‘cringe’ reading this, its so hard in this world today to meet someone who loves and accepts you with all your flaws, who not only understands them but helps distract you  by reminding  you of the positives in your life, while taking on your concerns and worries as their own. You have guided me in making decisions when I was at a loose end and supported me when I made a decision then changed my mind.

 

I just want you to know how grateful I am for everything you do, and that I can be miserable and tearful or ecstatic and happy, but then I look at our pictures and smile and that helps me to stay grounded.