‘Do not confuse my bad days as a sign of weakness, those are actually the days when I am fighting my hardest’. 

Diary extract from yesterday!

Today on world mental health day, I have laughed, cried and slept. A mixture of emotions has filled me today and to be honest exhausted me. Like lots of other sufferers I am overwelmed by the feel of dread or worry that occurs on a daily basis.

On days like this I hardly want to speak to anyone, I like to be in my own space and keep busy. This evening I have had tea, showered and looked through a magazine. These normal daily tasks help me to keep a little bit of routine, when all I really want is to sleep all day and not move from my bed.

So now I leave you with this final quote ‘you’re not going to master the rest of your life in one day, just relax’. 😊

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‘When the world says give up, hope whispers try it one more time’. 

Diary entry: 10th October

 Today is world mental health day, ironic when this has turned out to be terrible for me. For the past week I have been feeling anxious when attending placement at the Hospital, I have been feeling like i’m not part of the team, like i’m not supported and drained from the long shifts. I arrived on the car park this morning and burst into tears. I just couldn’t face it today.. but instead of going home to bed I have come into University to address the issues I have which will be resolved. I have decided that I need to be working in another environment, one which inspires my confidence in nursing. Hopefully I will get the decision I wish for and be able to move. If not i’m not entirely sure what my next step is going to be, as I have again reached breaking point even though I am aware that there are always answers.

So on this day of mental health awareness, I leave you with this one thought. ‘Don’t fake being ok, you only hurt yourself, be real with what you are going through and don’t let it consume you’. 😊 

‘You can sit around waiting for life to happen, or you can seize this very moment and make things happen’.

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Another tip for a positive life!

I purchased this book a while ago, I love to read the quotes each day for a positive outlook. Katie Piper is an inspiration, and this book will help increase your happiness day by day #Littlethingsinlife

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘The fastest way to move forward, face your fears.’

In most pictures used on my blog I haven’t shown my face. Ive always lacked confidence, but I have decided to show the real me. My hair isn’t always great and my make up doesn’t reflect the look of a kardashian. But I am happy lately with who I am and how I look. My confidence is coming on slowly as i’m now surrounded by good people who lift me higher. 

My initial lack of confidence came from being bullied at school, for being skinny or not having the latest clothes. That wasn’t helped by ex’s who tapped away at my confidence even more by pointing out some of my flaws.

Now I believe that I am free again, I accept compliments and walk away smiling, before I would have walked away shyly without saying a word. I am happy now I have shown my face and ‘faced my fears’.. by doing so. 

Don’t look back, you’re not going that way…

This week has been hectic for me, turning 27 over a week ago, moving back home on my birthday, rehoming my dog twice and trying to finish Uni work. But I have managed and I have to admit i’ve had help from a very lovely person. As soon as it is I have met somebody else and knew him before the break up. I have heard comments of ‘oohh quite soon isn’t it’ and ‘is this a rebound’. But I genuinely don’t agree with either comments, for once I feel excited, and happy. I think I also know why.. I believe I was over my previous relationship before it ended, I think I had cried my fair share of tears until I couldn’t cry anymore. I just needed to see that this couldn’t go on anymore, and I did. 

Thanks (withheld name) you have seen me at my lowest, you accepted my anxiety straight away as you witnessed me at my worst. You held me when I thought I made a mistake leaving him, you comforted me when I had endless rants. You helped me through this, you made me laugh and made me feel wanted again and for that I am grateful.

I don’t care if people think its too soon, I am happy that someone seems to treasure me and cares. Oh and one more thing, thank you to my ex for appearing on tinder which I discovered through a friend, you have just confirmed I made the right decision! 

‘I never stopped caring, but you did.. so I moved on’.

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So I haven’t wrote for A while, partly because I’ve had essays to write and partly because I’ve had big decisions to make. One of those decisions included leaving my partner of 3 years. On holiday I thought hard about what I wanted in life, when it occurred to me that I was always there for my partner, but felt so alone when I needed help. I will not run him into the ground but I will say that I now feel so free. My time is my own, I realized I lived with him and my only purpose was to keep him happy, keep his house tidy and made sure everything ran smoothly for his degree. In the meantime I had a breakdown my own degree took a back seat while I recovered and the house was not as immaculate as I wanted it to be.  Since we have split up he told me that he thought the house was a mess, I didn’t have a breakdown (I was being lazy) and I didn’t care about him. While the whole time I was struggling, I cried for hours by myself, I did some housework then would go back to bed to sleep for hours only to wake up sweating and panicking. I couldn’t attend University due to being signed off sick by a doctor. The things he said hurt me, and that was the decider, the eye opener that I needed to end the relationship and be free again. 

So although I am not out of the woods yet, I have made a decision that has made the process easier, although he is very upset currently due to me leaving, I have cried my fair share of tears probably in the space of a week and plenty more over the years. I wish him all the best but now its my time and maybe eventually I will find someone who genuinely cares about my well being and can stay with me through the hard times, the panic and worry, but overall will love me and accept my anxiety. I know its hard to be with someone who has anxiety, but my anxiety does not define me or my life. 

‘From the little spark, may burst a mighty flame’. 

I remember a previous counsellor that gave me an activity to carry out. Ive always found counselling hard and could never open up about my anxieties but different counsellors have a variety of methods which they can suggest. My task was to write down my worries or fears, read through them think about them then once you have exhausted the list… Burn it and forget about the list and the worries. This helps me an awful lot during the real dark times. I’m not saying this will solve worries but it mentally and physically erases them. Then who knows what a spark could create when you return to your normal, strong self!