‘Just because I look fine on the outside, doesn’t mean i’m not in pain in the inside’.

Last week I didn’t manage to blog, partly because I was so tired and again my moods have been erratic. People who have spoken to me in the past few weeks have picked up on my behaviors. To look at me I seem fine, but deep down I’ve been feeling low. My Mum and stepdad noticed and asked what was wrong with me, and I genuinely couldn’t answer them because I didn’t know why I felt like this. I had days last week where I didn’t want to speak to anyone at all. People commented saying ‘you were OK last week’, or ‘your very different today’, one even commenting ‘you are like two different people’. The truth is the shift in my moods varies, with no common patterns occurring. I appear to be feeling very high and full of energy, not requiring sleep, then within a few days I am completely low again, sleeping all day, skipping meals, and have 0 interest in doing things that I normally love doing. In the high periods I tend to have racing thoughts, I talk very quickly and get easily distracted, also I try to carry out multiple tasks at once.

This is the time where I now believe my medication isn’t working at all, I intend to go back to my GP to discuss other options. I would greatly appreciate any comments if anyone has experienced anything similar and can give me any advice or tips.

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‘Keep your face towards the sun and you will never see the shadows’.

A small update on my week

This week has seen a rarity in the England, we have actually had some sunshine and hot weather!! I can honestly say I love the sun,  it lifts my mood and motivates me more. On the days we had good weather I fully made the most of it, I walked the dog lots, drove with the roof down in my car and actually wanted to socialize. Socializing can prove difficult for me at times, I get excited to make plans then last minute I end up cancelling due to my anxiety, genuinely because crowds of people causes me stress. This week I wanted to socialize on most days and did so with mainly family and I thoroughly enjoyed chatting and being quite a social butterfly. For the first time in ages I felt happy and confident, with not a single worry.

On one of the sunny days I went for a long walk around a park, I took a book with me and sat there for ages reading and just relaxing. I seemed more motivated this week than I have done in ages, I even dyed my own hair, which I kept putting off due to various excuses!!

My aim now is to try to maintain this positive attitude even on rainy and gloomy days, I’ve got so much done this week and believe that I should try to see the good in every day. Share with me how the sun helps your mood or uplifts you 🙂

‘The best view comes after the hardest climb’.

A small update on me!!

This picture was taken in the first year of my nursing degree, and Saturday was last ever shift as a student nurse!! I am very proud now to have completely finished my children’s nursing degree, this has been a hard three years but I have now get there and have a good view of the future ahead of me.

Today I have been to University to take in all my assessment documents from the three years, this has felt like relief to have achieved so much, even when I didn’t think I would complete at all. I have got through this training by support from family and friends who I couldn’t thank enough for their support. I also have to say writing this blog has helped keep me focused and overcome issues that I did have, writing this blog as well as reading other blog posts has gave me clarification that even with anxiety you can still overcome challenges which will help shape your future. All the positive encouragement will now inspire me to find a job which I will continue to flourish in.

This is a gift from my Mum, a teddy made from my Uniform!!

‘I can shake off everything as I write, my sorrows disappear and my courage is reborn’. Anne Frank

This post is quite simply about why I chose to blog…

I have always enjoyed reading and writing, when I was younger I wrote stories all the time, I would spend hours creating characters and using my imagination to also create fairy tale scenarios. With age I wrote less but read more, I would read so many books and still do. My inspiration to blog came from my deteriorating mental health, although I have always been anxious with age it began to worsen. I struggled to find support, I felt isolated and my mind was racing all the time. Although family and friends have always been supportive I wished to seek guidance from people who had suffered the way I always have. Initially a magazine article opened my eyes to the amount of women who suffer, I steadily began to feel less alone. I then started to read mental health blogs which helped me understand my sometimes erratic behavior. I also found blogs useful for discovering tips that would help relax me.

I then decided that I would start my own blog to empower women to manage and cope with their mental health. I love inspirational quotes, so use these to inspire what I will write about. I also decided that I would review beauty products and discuss topics that women love. I started my blog, then due to another round of anxiety I went quiet, and have had repeated periods like this where I just couldn’t motivate myself to write. I wrote on holiday last year and that was a big turning point for me, it was the realization that I was in a relationship which was 1. not going anywhere and 2. was fueling my anxiety. Even still I tried to make it work but I knew in my mind what I had to do, although it was hard leaving my ex, it was a new start, a chance to find myself again. Writing also helped me understand my feelings, and actually led me to believe that no I’m not perfect but I didn’t deserve for someone to play on my weaknesses.

Through blogging I have been able to address my issues by writing about them and sharing my tips for relaxation. The more I blogged the more tips I found and carried out, I also discovered courage and strength in myself , which has helped me gain confidence. In blogging I have addressed some issues even involving my struggles with my degree, but I am glad I started to blog. As writing for me is easier than talking about problems, when I read my blog posts I honestly see how far I have come, my new found confidence and hopefully how I helped someone, somewhere.

 

I hope to inspire more people to engage with my blog and share any coping mechanisms on my blog that we could all try.

‘Focus on where you want to go, not on what you fear’. Anthony Robbins.

An update on kirstythought…

Unfortunately I’ve been quiet again lately. Due to being back on the neonatal unit and finishing my degree i’ve kept my head down. I have worked 13 hour shifts, nights and weekends, i’ve been tired but actually I am very nearly done. My health hasn’t been the best and in fact on one of my shifts I collapsed. I had a cold and haven’t been able to shift it. I had one day off placement and returned on the Thursday, I had breakfast that morning before my long shift, and felt ok. I was on delivery suite when I began to feel weak and dizzy, I alerted my mentor and explained that I was about to faint. I then woke up on the floor surrounded by midwives. My blood pressure and heart rate was quite low and I was sent to A and E who sent me home. I went back home and slept for hours I went to see my gp who informed me that it could have been my anxiety medication propanalol. I am now going to slowly be weaned off them, which fills me with fear, worry and further anxiety.

It would be nice to not have to take medication and feel relatively calm. This is now my aim.. I intend to find more ways I can learn to live with my anxiety without medication. I have been on this medication a long time so I know this will be quite a long road, but one in which i’m willing to take.

Hopefully i’ll soon be a qualified nurse and maybe be medication free within a few months! I know where I want to go and i’ll get there at my own pace 😊

‘She remembered who she was, and the game changed’.

For the first time in a long time I genuinely feel happy and a little more confident. Returning to the Neonatal unit for the last time filled me with nerves. This time round has been different, i’ve got two supportive mentors who are helping me get through this final stretch. I am taking all opportunities available to me, including working with midwives or with advanced neonatal nurse practitioners. I am beginning to flourish not just as a childrens nurse but as a person. Its a nice feeling to be motivated again and an even better feeling to see an increase in my confidence. Yes, I still have days where i’m anxious and quiet but I still strive to see the good in every day. I have finally surrounded myself with good people who want the best for me, who see my potential and push me to go further. These people will never know how grateful I am for their kind thoughts and caring nature. I now do not feel alone, which is where my confidence is coming from. I have remembered who I am, where I want to be and who I need for this journey!! 😘

P.S.. Proud moment.. I delivered my first baby on mothers day and handed the baby to a proud Mummy and Daddy 😍👶

‘Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain’..

An update on me, Kirsty thought..

So, i’ve been quiet again lately and quite busy. Firstly the good news.. I won my appeal at University which means I’m allowed to return and finish my placement. However in my time off I have considered working abroad for 6 months or so. My intentions are to complete my degree and then maybe work away with a reputable company.

In other news my anxiety seems to be wearing me down, I feel like sleeping all the time, I nap for hours on end. I’m trying to not nap by walking the dog, or reading or just doing things on the internet. One more positive I have been working on is, documenting 3 positives from each day, even simple tasks that I have completed including walking the dog or hoovering. These help me see that I have done something in each day and not just slept the day away.

Overall i’m happy that I can note the positives in each day, and would recommend other people do this as well. It helps if you are having a bad day to be able to pull out the positives even if you really struggle to think of any.