‘Do not confuse my bad days as a sign of weakness, those are actually the days when I am fighting my hardest’. 

Diary extract from yesterday!

Today on world mental health day, I have laughed, cried and slept. A mixture of emotions has filled me today and to be honest exhausted me. Like lots of other sufferers I am overwelmed by the feel of dread or worry that occurs on a daily basis.

On days like this I hardly want to speak to anyone, I like to be in my own space and keep busy. This evening I have had tea, showered and looked through a magazine. These normal daily tasks help me to keep a little bit of routine, when all I really want is to sleep all day and not move from my bed.

So now I leave you with this final quote ‘you’re not going to master the rest of your life in one day, just relax’. 😊

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‘When the world says give up, hope whispers try it one more time’. 

Diary entry: 10th October

 Today is world mental health day, ironic when this has turned out to be terrible for me. For the past week I have been feeling anxious when attending placement at the Hospital, I have been feeling like i’m not part of the team, like i’m not supported and drained from the long shifts. I arrived on the car park this morning and burst into tears. I just couldn’t face it today.. but instead of going home to bed I have come into University to address the issues I have which will be resolved. I have decided that I need to be working in another environment, one which inspires my confidence in nursing. Hopefully I will get the decision I wish for and be able to move. If not i’m not entirely sure what my next step is going to be, as I have again reached breaking point even though I am aware that there are always answers.

So on this day of mental health awareness, I leave you with this one thought. ‘Don’t fake being ok, you only hurt yourself, be real with what you are going through and don’t let it consume you’. 😊 

‘One small, positive blog post in the morning can change your day’. 

Today I have decided to blog as much as possible for two reasons.

  1. To set myself a challenge
  2. To spread awareness of anxiety.

I will blog all day, I intend to refresh and remind people what I blog about, spread awareness of anxiety, have a laugh and maybe throw a few beauty tips in too! I will post pictures and give ideas to help distract people from anxiety, panic and worry.

Now take a look at this old photo. Here I am young with not a care in the world listening to my music!! First tip of the day is to dig out old pictures! You could spend hours looking through pictures and smiling at the memories, this will distract you from anxiety and encourage you to embrace all the good times 😊

Another tip taken from the photo, listen to music 🎵 I have clearly loved listening to music from a young age. Music can help distract you from everything for a while. I occasionally put my headphones in while pottering around in the house. Music can help you reflect and gives you time out to think! Start by downloading an uplifting playlist heres a few tunes from mine.

  1. Amazed- Lonestar
  2.  My girl-Temptations
  3. Mirrors- Justin Timberlake 
  4. A sky full of stars- Coldplay

Now get your photos out pop your headphones in and have a wonderful day 🎧🎵😊

Don’t look back, you’re not going that way…

This week has been hectic for me, turning 27 over a week ago, moving back home on my birthday, rehoming my dog twice and trying to finish Uni work. But I have managed and I have to admit i’ve had help from a very lovely person. As soon as it is I have met somebody else and knew him before the break up. I have heard comments of ‘oohh quite soon isn’t it’ and ‘is this a rebound’. But I genuinely don’t agree with either comments, for once I feel excited, and happy. I think I also know why.. I believe I was over my previous relationship before it ended, I think I had cried my fair share of tears until I couldn’t cry anymore. I just needed to see that this couldn’t go on anymore, and I did. 

Thanks (withheld name) you have seen me at my lowest, you accepted my anxiety straight away as you witnessed me at my worst. You held me when I thought I made a mistake leaving him, you comforted me when I had endless rants. You helped me through this, you made me laugh and made me feel wanted again and for that I am grateful.

I don’t care if people think its too soon, I am happy that someone seems to treasure me and cares. Oh and one more thing, thank you to my ex for appearing on tinder which I discovered through a friend, you have just confirmed I made the right decision! 

‘I never stopped caring, but you did.. so I moved on’.

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So I haven’t wrote for A while, partly because I’ve had essays to write and partly because I’ve had big decisions to make. One of those decisions included leaving my partner of 3 years. On holiday I thought hard about what I wanted in life, when it occurred to me that I was always there for my partner, but felt so alone when I needed help. I will not run him into the ground but I will say that I now feel so free. My time is my own, I realized I lived with him and my only purpose was to keep him happy, keep his house tidy and made sure everything ran smoothly for his degree. In the meantime I had a breakdown my own degree took a back seat while I recovered and the house was not as immaculate as I wanted it to be.  Since we have split up he told me that he thought the house was a mess, I didn’t have a breakdown (I was being lazy) and I didn’t care about him. While the whole time I was struggling, I cried for hours by myself, I did some housework then would go back to bed to sleep for hours only to wake up sweating and panicking. I couldn’t attend University due to being signed off sick by a doctor. The things he said hurt me, and that was the decider, the eye opener that I needed to end the relationship and be free again. 

So although I am not out of the woods yet, I have made a decision that has made the process easier, although he is very upset currently due to me leaving, I have cried my fair share of tears probably in the space of a week and plenty more over the years. I wish him all the best but now its my time and maybe eventually I will find someone who genuinely cares about my well being and can stay with me through the hard times, the panic and worry, but overall will love me and accept my anxiety. I know its hard to be with someone who has anxiety, but my anxiety does not define me or my life. 

‘From the little spark, may burst a mighty flame’. 

I remember a previous counsellor that gave me an activity to carry out. Ive always found counselling hard and could never open up about my anxieties but different counsellors have a variety of methods which they can suggest. My task was to write down my worries or fears, read through them think about them then once you have exhausted the list… Burn it and forget about the list and the worries. This helps me an awful lot during the real dark times. I’m not saying this will solve worries but it mentally and physically erases them. Then who knows what a spark could create when you return to your normal, strong self!

Look at this picture…

So look at this picture… what do you see? A broken leg? Now theres a story that goes with this that meant a lot to me metaphorically. This was actually a picture of my foot in cast after a nurse had to practise on me. Then a thought crossed my mind.. you can see physical illness or injury, but you never notice mental illness.

People close to you may pick up on your mood changes, but aside from those few and I mean very few close people, no one notices. But if you broke your leg/arm for example people would notice and may even question you how did you do that? Then they respond with sympathy.

Now try telling someone that you had a breakdown, you can see sympathy but they cannot respond, thats where the stigma of mental health lies.. Not many people understand and thats ok, those people will stand by us but from a distance. Not many know what to say, thats also ok its probably best they keep quiet.

One family member rang me everyday asking not just how I was, but how I was really feeling. This family member had noticed a change in me way before the wobble. This family member helped me by just calling everyday and checking up on me. I am grateful for this person noticing my downfall after all I didn’t break a bone nor did I have an injury, but actually I was ill and I was suffering. Thank you for noticing, it takes a special person to realise you are ill, even though you look ‘fine’. 

Thank you for reading this short metaphorical story. I hope more people begin to understand mental illness.