‘If someone is pushing you away, thats when the person needs you must’.

I am clearly a perfect example of this, this quote is relatable in so many ways. I will push my man away till he is almost as drained as I am, I don’t like this and need to channel some different behaviours. I push you away in the hope you won’t go, that you will protect me and make me feel safe. Today has been out of control, from having only three hours sleep, to trying to push you away some more then, crying about it for the rest of the early hours.. But you handle me well, you hold me, reassure me, you know how i’m feeling by my moods, my tone and my facial expressions. And for that I love you, you didn’t give up on me no matter how hard I have pushed. A few more things to add, I thank you for being my rock, making me feel safe and reminding me of all the good memories.  

Tonight I have managed to calm down, be thankful and smile again 😊

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‘I am the same person I was before you found out that I suffer with anxiety.’ 

I have always struggled in social situations, I desired to be a social butterfly but instead kept myself isolated. This leading me to dread meeting new people or new love. Sometimes when you aren’t looking is when you find somebody who genuinely cares, that was the case for me. This year has seen me face dark times, in which I have done so, alone. But I knew you were different as soon as I met you, I liked you straight away. But as always my anxiety makes me think the worse, so I instantly knew that the more we spoke the sooner I would have to be honest about my mental health. The more I began to fall for you the more anxious I became about telling you that I have anxiety. When I first told you, you listened, you held me and then came the hard part, you witnessed my mood changes yourself. I can be completely loving and bubbly one day then the next I can appear distant and isolated. It was then I thought you would leave me and not manage this situation, and I thank you for not doing that. Instead you talked me round, or made me laugh or just gave me a big cuddle as I cried. I’m smiling now as I write this because you don’t how much of a big difference you have made to my confidence, you have made me see that people do understand how i’m feeling, therefore I should not shut everybody out. I am grateful to have you in my life, I hope you know that all the little things you do mean the most to me.. The cute messages, the nights you have wanted us to go out when I all I wanted to do was stay in and be with you, the talks about our future and when you hold my hand when we are out. All these help me to feel secure around you and allows me to open up to you.

Although this maybe ‘cringe’ reading this, its so hard in this world today to meet someone who loves and accepts you with all your flaws, who not only understands them but helps distract you  by reminding  you of the positives in your life, while taking on your concerns and worries as their own. You have guided me in making decisions when I was at a loose end and supported me when I made a decision then changed my mind.

 

I just want you to know how grateful I am for everything you do, and that I can be miserable and tearful or ecstatic and happy, but then I look at our pictures and smile and that helps me to stay grounded.

 

 

‘You can sit around waiting for life to happen, or you can seize this very moment and make things happen’.

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Another tip for a positive life!

I purchased this book a while ago, I love to read the quotes each day for a positive outlook. Katie Piper is an inspiration, and this book will help increase your happiness day by day #Littlethingsinlife

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘One small, positive blog post in the morning can change your day’. 

Today I have decided to blog as much as possible for two reasons.

  1. To set myself a challenge
  2. To spread awareness of anxiety.

I will blog all day, I intend to refresh and remind people what I blog about, spread awareness of anxiety, have a laugh and maybe throw a few beauty tips in too! I will post pictures and give ideas to help distract people from anxiety, panic and worry.

Now take a look at this old photo. Here I am young with not a care in the world listening to my music!! First tip of the day is to dig out old pictures! You could spend hours looking through pictures and smiling at the memories, this will distract you from anxiety and encourage you to embrace all the good times 😊

Another tip taken from the photo, listen to music 🎵 I have clearly loved listening to music from a young age. Music can help distract you from everything for a while. I occasionally put my headphones in while pottering around in the house. Music can help you reflect and gives you time out to think! Start by downloading an uplifting playlist heres a few tunes from mine.

  1. Amazed- Lonestar
  2.  My girl-Temptations
  3. Mirrors- Justin Timberlake 
  4. A sky full of stars- Coldplay

Now get your photos out pop your headphones in and have a wonderful day 🎧🎵😊

Don’t look back, you’re not going that way…

This week has been hectic for me, turning 27 over a week ago, moving back home on my birthday, rehoming my dog twice and trying to finish Uni work. But I have managed and I have to admit i’ve had help from a very lovely person. As soon as it is I have met somebody else and knew him before the break up. I have heard comments of ‘oohh quite soon isn’t it’ and ‘is this a rebound’. But I genuinely don’t agree with either comments, for once I feel excited, and happy. I think I also know why.. I believe I was over my previous relationship before it ended, I think I had cried my fair share of tears until I couldn’t cry anymore. I just needed to see that this couldn’t go on anymore, and I did. 

Thanks (withheld name) you have seen me at my lowest, you accepted my anxiety straight away as you witnessed me at my worst. You held me when I thought I made a mistake leaving him, you comforted me when I had endless rants. You helped me through this, you made me laugh and made me feel wanted again and for that I am grateful.

I don’t care if people think its too soon, I am happy that someone seems to treasure me and cares. Oh and one more thing, thank you to my ex for appearing on tinder which I discovered through a friend, you have just confirmed I made the right decision! 

‘I never stopped caring, but you did.. so I moved on’.

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So I haven’t wrote for A while, partly because I’ve had essays to write and partly because I’ve had big decisions to make. One of those decisions included leaving my partner of 3 years. On holiday I thought hard about what I wanted in life, when it occurred to me that I was always there for my partner, but felt so alone when I needed help. I will not run him into the ground but I will say that I now feel so free. My time is my own, I realized I lived with him and my only purpose was to keep him happy, keep his house tidy and made sure everything ran smoothly for his degree. In the meantime I had a breakdown my own degree took a back seat while I recovered and the house was not as immaculate as I wanted it to be.  Since we have split up he told me that he thought the house was a mess, I didn’t have a breakdown (I was being lazy) and I didn’t care about him. While the whole time I was struggling, I cried for hours by myself, I did some housework then would go back to bed to sleep for hours only to wake up sweating and panicking. I couldn’t attend University due to being signed off sick by a doctor. The things he said hurt me, and that was the decider, the eye opener that I needed to end the relationship and be free again. 

So although I am not out of the woods yet, I have made a decision that has made the process easier, although he is very upset currently due to me leaving, I have cried my fair share of tears probably in the space of a week and plenty more over the years. I wish him all the best but now its my time and maybe eventually I will find someone who genuinely cares about my well being and can stay with me through the hard times, the panic and worry, but overall will love me and accept my anxiety. I know its hard to be with someone who has anxiety, but my anxiety does not define me or my life. 

Look at this picture…

So look at this picture… what do you see? A broken leg? Now theres a story that goes with this that meant a lot to me metaphorically. This was actually a picture of my foot in cast after a nurse had to practise on me. Then a thought crossed my mind.. you can see physical illness or injury, but you never notice mental illness.

People close to you may pick up on your mood changes, but aside from those few and I mean very few close people, no one notices. But if you broke your leg/arm for example people would notice and may even question you how did you do that? Then they respond with sympathy.

Now try telling someone that you had a breakdown, you can see sympathy but they cannot respond, thats where the stigma of mental health lies.. Not many people understand and thats ok, those people will stand by us but from a distance. Not many know what to say, thats also ok its probably best they keep quiet.

One family member rang me everyday asking not just how I was, but how I was really feeling. This family member had noticed a change in me way before the wobble. This family member helped me by just calling everyday and checking up on me. I am grateful for this person noticing my downfall after all I didn’t break a bone nor did I have an injury, but actually I was ill and I was suffering. Thank you for noticing, it takes a special person to realise you are ill, even though you look ‘fine’. 

Thank you for reading this short metaphorical story. I hope more people begin to understand mental illness.