Diary extract from yesterday!
Today on world mental health day, I have laughed, cried and slept. A mixture of emotions has filled me today and to be honest exhausted me. Like lots of other sufferers I am overwelmed by the feel of dread or worry that occurs on a daily basis.
On days like this I hardly want to speak to anyone, I like to be in my own space and keep busy. This evening I have had tea, showered and looked through a magazine. These normal daily tasks help me to keep a little bit of routine, when all I really want is to sleep all day and not move from my bed.
So now I leave you with this final quote ‘you’re not going to master the rest of your life in one day, just relax’. 😊
Diary entry: 10th October
Today is world mental health day, ironic when this has turned out to be terrible for me. For the past week I have been feeling anxious when attending placement at the Hospital, I have been feeling like i’m not part of the team, like i’m not supported and drained from the long shifts. I arrived on the car park this morning and burst into tears. I just couldn’t face it today.. but instead of going home to bed I have come into University to address the issues I have which will be resolved. I have decided that I need to be working in another environment, one which inspires my confidence in nursing. Hopefully I will get the decision I wish for and be able to move. If not i’m not entirely sure what my next step is going to be, as I have again reached breaking point even though I am aware that there are always answers.
So on this day of mental health awareness, I leave you with this one thought. ‘Don’t fake being ok, you only hurt yourself, be real with what you are going through and don’t let it consume you’. 😊
In most pictures used on my blog I haven’t shown my face. Ive always lacked confidence, but I have decided to show the real me. My hair isn’t always great and my make up doesn’t reflect the look of a kardashian. But I am happy lately with who I am and how I look. My confidence is coming on slowly as i’m now surrounded by good people who lift me higher.
My initial lack of confidence came from being bullied at school, for being skinny or not having the latest clothes. That wasn’t helped by ex’s who tapped away at my confidence even more by pointing out some of my flaws.
Now I believe that I am free again, I accept compliments and walk away smiling, before I would have walked away shyly without saying a word. I am happy now I have shown my face and ‘faced my fears’.. by doing so.
This week has been hectic for me, turning 27 over a week ago, moving back home on my birthday, rehoming my dog twice and trying to finish Uni work. But I have managed and I have to admit i’ve had help from a very lovely person. As soon as it is I have met somebody else and knew him before the break up. I have heard comments of ‘oohh quite soon isn’t it’ and ‘is this a rebound’. But I genuinely don’t agree with either comments, for once I feel excited, and happy. I think I also know why.. I believe I was over my previous relationship before it ended, I think I had cried my fair share of tears until I couldn’t cry anymore. I just needed to see that this couldn’t go on anymore, and I did.
Thanks (withheld name) you have seen me at my lowest, you accepted my anxiety straight away as you witnessed me at my worst. You held me when I thought I made a mistake leaving him, you comforted me when I had endless rants. You helped me through this, you made me laugh and made me feel wanted again and for that I am grateful.
I don’t care if people think its too soon, I am happy that someone seems to treasure me and cares. Oh and one more thing, thank you to my ex for appearing on tinder which I discovered through a friend, you have just confirmed I made the right decision!
A very honest and open account of my looks and body!
I love a good picture of myself (very vain I know). When someone takes a pic of me I like to makesure it gets me at a good angle and sometimes not looking at the camera. In todays society women have a pressure to look a certain way with make up ‘on point’, the latest fashion and have time to keep that bod in check. One thing I am not is fake, my hair is naturally curly and frizzy, I used to exercise all the time, and cannot afford designer clothes. My confidence on the whole is low which looking at my pictures you wouldnt think so. I am not great at doing make up, I can do the basics but you will never catch me watching make up tutorials ever, I cannot think of anything worse and am not afraid to admit it! I love having my hair coloured and will leave it natural sometimes to maintain the condition. One tip for curly haired ladies, use sea salt spray, I swear by Charles Worthington style setter sea salt spray. It leaves your hair looking less frizzy and defines the curls. Most of the time I straighten my hair but always use a deep conditioning mask twice a week.
I have to say I am grateful for my sisters one is good at make up and the other hair, so occasionally I do look glam thanks to them!
Still my confidence is generally low, even though my body isn’t that bad it could do with some toning up definately! I used to go to the gym four times a week then swim for half an hour after, but I have to be honest I hated it and was bored. When I moved in with my partner I didn’t join a gym as they were so expensive, instead I went running and enjoyed this as I keep fit while my mind is able to be free from srress and worry. I still run now and also walk my puppy archie at least once a day.
I am aware of my appearence and try to look after my skin. I get spots like everybody else and hate them! One thing I do splurge on is a good foundation, I use double wear by estee lauder for a long lasting finish.
So that has been an overview of my body, hair and looks. Overall my confidence is growing steadily and although I would change lots about my appearence, I am grateful for my natural hair and my lack of make up!!
One tip for you all put positive quotes on every mirror you own 😍
Diary entry: 14th August 17
My next few blogs will be full of holiday pictures and will probably drive you mad. But I need to point out that although i’m sunning myself and indulging in so much greek food, I am still anxious. We all go on holiday for a break to rest and recharge, and although I am resting, my worries are never far.
My worries include: will I pass university? Will I get a job? Will I ever be successful? I wish I didn’t worry like this, I wish that I didn’t have to remember to take my medication while on holiday. But actually I have realised that all these worries are not necessary, what happens will soon unfold and for now I will ride the waves and embrace the current moments. (Hence getting all dressed up and going for a dip on the sea) 🙈
I love the sea 😊🌊 Embrace the waves!!
I remember a previous counsellor that gave me an activity to carry out. Ive always found counselling hard and could never open up about my anxieties but different counsellors have a variety of methods which they can suggest. My task was to write down my worries or fears, read through them think about them then once you have exhausted the list… Burn it and forget about the list and the worries. This helps me an awful lot during the real dark times. I’m not saying this will solve worries but it mentally and physically erases them. Then who knows what a spark could create when you return to your normal, strong self!