‘Pressure can burst a pipe, or pressure can make a diamond’.

This post is about pressure, which I currently feel. A member of my family does not understand my depression or anxiety ‘what do you have to be depressed about, ‘calm down your overeacting’… I hear this all the time from this person, and all it does is adds fuel to the already burning fire. You ask me about my return to uni, have I chased it up, have I heard from my tutor. The thing is not once have you asked how I am, how I feel about returning. Currently I am in talks with my tutor about planning my return, she wants everything to run smoothly just as much as I do. I talk to her weekly and ensure plans are starting to form. However, this family member is only concerned with my return to uni, this had turned me actually quite sour towards them. They are putting pressure on me to complete my degree and earn money, six weeks is all I have left. This pressure you are putting on me is unreal, i’ll soon be earning and when I am I won’t be grateful for the pressure youve piled on me just for the sake of six weeks.

And lastly… yes i’m ready for my return, and yes i’m currently feeling ok.. but in future maybe handle me a bit more sensitively, understand that money doesn’t make you happy, it might help for a short while. But money isn’t going to help my anxiety either, even though I will be earning a acceptable amount.. I will still have worries, maybe you get your head around that before I burst!!

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‘Cuddling literally kills depression and relieves anxiety’.

Well I think so anyway…

This new years eve was so different for me.. normally I would be out wearing a glittery, tight, uncomfortable dress in too high heels, with too much make up on. But this year was different as firstly I was working and secondly I wanted to get straight back home to my man.

Once I left work I went straight to his house to be welcomed by chinese food and cuddles. And I could not have asked for anything more. We saw the new year in holding eachother and making plans for this year. That night meant more to me than previous years, falling out of clubs/pubs and paying over the odds to get home. 

I love that I was snuggled up in my mans arms to see in 2018, I love that its the only place in this world where I feel at ease, protected, safe, and loved. Most of all I felt free from the worry and thoughts that plague my mind daily. 

This year on December 31st I know where i’ll be 😊❤

‘Sometimes i’m the mess, sometimes i’m the broom, on my hardest days I have to be both’. 

The above picture was taken weekend before last. In which I attended a xmas party, I danced and socialised and managed to look half decent. A week later and everything appears so different.
Last week was a rubbish week for me, I was tired, fed up and angry at times. As well as being un able to sleep and managing with it, I got through it, somehow. I didn’t want to socialise, or step foot out of the house at all. Last week I intended to sort out all my xmas shopping, visit my nan and remain smiley at work. I managed to visit my nan, complete some xmas shopping but no, didn’t think I was particularly happy at work. Then I had a punctured tyre so when I did finally venture out I ended up at a garage anyway 🙈

This weekend hasn’t been great either, I didn’t enjoy my night out Saturday and again felt like I couldn’t sleep or didn’t need sleep. So Sunday was meant to be a day with my man but no I dropped him at the train station and went home to sleep for 3 hours. Today has been a bit better, xmas shopping is almost complete, and wrapped, I helped my sister with an issue of hers and remained relatively calm.

The quote above has helped me reflect on the bad days. I know my mood will improve, and I partly blame the time of year. To be honest I can’t wait for xmas to be over. Once it is I can relax!!

‘If someone is pushing you away, thats when the person needs you must’.

I am clearly a perfect example of this, this quote is relatable in so many ways. I will push my man away till he is almost as drained as I am, I don’t like this and need to channel some different behaviours. I push you away in the hope you won’t go, that you will protect me and make me feel safe. Today has been out of control, from having only three hours sleep, to trying to push you away some more then, crying about it for the rest of the early hours.. But you handle me well, you hold me, reassure me, you know how i’m feeling by my moods, my tone and my facial expressions. And for that I love you, you didn’t give up on me no matter how hard I have pushed. A few more things to add, I thank you for being my rock, making me feel safe and reminding me of all the good memories.  

Tonight I have managed to calm down, be thankful and smile again 😊

‘Anxiety is a lot like a toddler, it never stops talking, tells you your wrong about everything and wakes you up at 3am’.

An honest up date on me…

The picture of me above seems relatively normal, this was taken last week at a family meal, my stepmoms birthday meal to be precise. Sat at a table quite literally full of nurses, a chief nurse and an admin worker, I was asked how I was doing in my nursing degree, to which I answered and openly declared that ‘I am ready to retire and I haven’t even started out yet’… I was quite embarrassed at my answer, although it was honest I should’ve perhaps just said everything was going swimmingly. To be honest I had been feeling anxious about my return to the ward which should have been this week, unfortunately I have been signed off by a doctor who has stated that I should return when I am ready again. Part of me felt ashamed for not being strong enough to return, another part of me feels that I am in need of a rest.

My increased anxiety over the past few weeks has caused me to feel exhausted, weak and unmotivated. Also I have been waking up at silly hours in the morning then napping again of an afternoon, my  anxiety is a constant in my mind, it nags at me, causes conflict in my mind between right, wrong and worry, all whilst I am trying to keep my s*** together. I pushed myself into thinking that I could successfully complete my final month of my nurse training, until it dawned on me that I genuinely cannot return to practice yet. I need to recover from this anxious period, find new techniques to help me do this and find a hobby I can fully pursue without social anxiety creeping up on me. 

I intend to return practice in the new year to finish off my final hours, and I will have a new, fresh outlook which will see me till the end.

Also I love the comparison between anxiety and a toddler, 1. because it made me smile and 2. its very accurate!!

‘Do not confuse my bad days as a sign of weakness, those are actually the days when I am fighting my hardest’. 

Diary extract from yesterday!

Today on world mental health day, I have laughed, cried and slept. A mixture of emotions has filled me today and to be honest exhausted me. Like lots of other sufferers I am overwelmed by the feel of dread or worry that occurs on a daily basis.

On days like this I hardly want to speak to anyone, I like to be in my own space and keep busy. This evening I have had tea, showered and looked through a magazine. These normal daily tasks help me to keep a little bit of routine, when all I really want is to sleep all day and not move from my bed.

So now I leave you with this final quote ‘you’re not going to master the rest of your life in one day, just relax’. 😊

‘When the world says give up, hope whispers try it one more time’. 

Diary entry: 10th October

 Today is world mental health day, ironic when this has turned out to be terrible for me. For the past week I have been feeling anxious when attending placement at the Hospital, I have been feeling like i’m not part of the team, like i’m not supported and drained from the long shifts. I arrived on the car park this morning and burst into tears. I just couldn’t face it today.. but instead of going home to bed I have come into University to address the issues I have which will be resolved. I have decided that I need to be working in another environment, one which inspires my confidence in nursing. Hopefully I will get the decision I wish for and be able to move. If not i’m not entirely sure what my next step is going to be, as I have again reached breaking point even though I am aware that there are always answers.

So on this day of mental health awareness, I leave you with this one thought. ‘Don’t fake being ok, you only hurt yourself, be real with what you are going through and don’t let it consume you’. 😊