‘Just because I look fine on the outside, doesn’t mean i’m not in pain in the inside’.

Last week I didn’t manage to blog, partly because I was so tired and again my moods have been erratic. People who have spoken to me in the past few weeks have picked up on my behaviors. To look at me I seem fine, but deep down I’ve been feeling low. My Mum and stepdad noticed and asked what was wrong with me, and I genuinely couldn’t answer them because I didn’t know why I felt like this. I had days last week where I didn’t want to speak to anyone at all. People commented saying ‘you were OK last week’, or ‘your very different today’, one even commenting ‘you are like two different people’. The truth is the shift in my moods varies, with no common patterns occurring. I appear to be feeling very high and full of energy, not requiring sleep, then within a few days I am completely low again, sleeping all day, skipping meals, and have 0 interest in doing things that I normally love doing. In the high periods I tend to have racing thoughts, I talk very quickly and get easily distracted, also I try to carry out multiple tasks at once.

This is the time where I now believe my medication isn’t working at all, I intend to go back to my GP to discuss other options. I would greatly appreciate any comments if anyone has experienced anything similar and can give me any advice or tips.

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‘I can shake off everything as I write, my sorrows disappear and my courage is reborn’. Anne Frank

This post is quite simply about why I chose to blog…

I have always enjoyed reading and writing, when I was younger I wrote stories all the time, I would spend hours creating characters and using my imagination to also create fairy tale scenarios. With age I wrote less but read more, I would read so many books and still do. My inspiration to blog came from my deteriorating mental health, although I have always been anxious with age it began to worsen. I struggled to find support, I felt isolated and my mind was racing all the time. Although family and friends have always been supportive I wished to seek guidance from people who had suffered the way I always have. Initially a magazine article opened my eyes to the amount of women who suffer, I steadily began to feel less alone. I then started to read mental health blogs which helped me understand my sometimes erratic behavior. I also found blogs useful for discovering tips that would help relax me.

I then decided that I would start my own blog to empower women to manage and cope with their mental health. I love inspirational quotes, so use these to inspire what I will write about. I also decided that I would review beauty products and discuss topics that women love. I started my blog, then due to another round of anxiety I went quiet, and have had repeated periods like this where I just couldn’t motivate myself to write. I wrote on holiday last year and that was a big turning point for me, it was the realization that I was in a relationship which was 1. not going anywhere and 2. was fueling my anxiety. Even still I tried to make it work but I knew in my mind what I had to do, although it was hard leaving my ex, it was a new start, a chance to find myself again. Writing also helped me understand my feelings, and actually led me to believe that no I’m not perfect but I didn’t deserve for someone to play on my weaknesses.

Through blogging I have been able to addressย my issues by writing about them and sharing my tips for relaxation. The more I blogged the more tips I found and carried out, I also discovered courage and strength in myself , which has helped me gain confidence. In blogging I have addressed some issues even involving my struggles with my degree, but I am glad I started to blog. As writing for me is easier than talking about problems, when I read my blog posts I honestly see how far I have come, my new found confidence and hopefully how I helped someone, somewhere.

 

I hope to inspire more people to engage with my blog and share any coping mechanisms on my blog that we could all try.

‘She remembered who she was, and the game changed’.

For the first time in a long time I genuinely feel happy and a little more confident. Returning to the Neonatal unit for the last time filled me with nerves. This time round has been different, i’ve got two supportive mentors who are helping me get through this final stretch. I am taking all opportunities available to me, including working with midwives or with advanced neonatal nurse practitioners. I am beginning to flourish not just as a childrens nurse but as a person. Its a nice feeling to be motivated again and an even better feeling to see an increase in my confidence. Yes, I still have days where i’m anxious and quiet but I still strive to see the good in every day. I have finally surrounded myself with good people who want the best for me, who see my potential and push me to go further. These people will never know how grateful I am for their kind thoughts and caring nature. I now do not feel alone, which is where my confidence is coming from. I have remembered who I am, where I want to be and who I need for this journey!! ๐Ÿ˜˜

P.S.. Proud moment.. I delivered my first baby on mothers day and handed the baby to a proud Mummy and Daddy ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ‘ถ

‘Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain’..

An update on me, Kirsty thought..

So, i’ve been quiet again lately and quite busy. Firstly the good news.. I won my appeal at University which means I’m allowed to return and finish my placement. However in my time off I have considered working abroad for 6 months or so. My intentions are to complete my degree and then maybe work away with a reputable company.

In other news my anxiety seems to be wearing me down, I feel like sleeping all the time, I nap for hours on end. I’m trying to not nap by walking the dog, or reading or just doing things on the internet. One more positive I have been working on is, documenting 3 positives from each day, even simple tasks that I have completed including walking the dog or hoovering. These help me see that I have done something in each day and not just slept the day away.

Overall i’m happy that I can note the positives in each day, and would recommend other people do this as well. It helps if you are having a bad day to be able to pull out the positives even if you really struggle to think of any.

Time to talk- 1st February

‘A problem shared is a problem halved’.

Today is a day in which many people support a campaign which aims to end the stigma attached to mental illness. Personally I believe the subject of mental illness is still not talked about often enough. And I know this firsthand because I have seen the looks when I explain my anxiety, and I have previously been called lazy, particularly when I was perhaps experiencing a very low day. Due to this I know who I can talk to about my mental illness and I know who will judge me, therefore I remain silent around them. If everyone opened up and just spoke about mental illness people would be more informed, as opposed to turning their nose up, leaving a person feeling isolated and lonely.

As my nan always says ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’.. I genuinely believe this, and many times I have called her up with my problems. People can give you a different outlook or perspective, people can give kind words, and best of all people can talk.

Have a chat today, tonight or tomorrow.. Lets get everyone talking and end the stigma. ๐Ÿค—

Here are the people I can turn to when I have a bad day.. I may not see these people for months, we may not talk every week.. but I know they will always support me ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿค—

#Timetotalk

‘Pressure can burst a pipe, or pressure can make a diamond’.

This post is about pressure, which I currently feel. A member of my family does not understand my depression or anxiety ‘what do you have to be depressed about, ‘calm down your overeacting’… I hear this all the time from this person, and all it does is adds fuel to the already burning fire. You ask me about my return to uni, have I chased it up, have I heard from my tutor. The thing is not once have you asked how I am, how I feel about returning. Currently I am in talks with my tutor about planning my return, she wants everything to run smoothly just as much as I do. I talk to her weekly and ensure plans are starting to form. However, this family member is only concerned with my return to uni, this had turned me actually quite sour towards them. They are putting pressure on me to complete my degree and earn money, six weeks is all I have left. This pressure you are putting on me is unreal, i’ll soon be earning and when I am I won’t be grateful for the pressure youve piled on me just for the sake of six weeks.

And lastly… yes i’m ready for my return, and yes i’m currently feeling ok.. but in future maybe handle me a bit more sensitively, understand that money doesn’t make you happy, it might help for a short while. But money isn’t going to help my anxiety either, even though I will be earning a acceptable amount.. I will still have worries, maybe you get your head around that before I burst!!

‘Sometimes i’m the mess, sometimes i’m the broom, on my hardest days I have to be both’.ย 

The above picture was taken weekend before last. In which I attended a xmas party, I danced and socialised and managed to look half decent. A week later and everything appears so different.
Last week was a rubbish week for me, I was tired, fed up and angry at times. As well as being un able to sleep and managing with it, I got through it, somehow. I didn’t want to socialise, or step foot out of the house at all. Last week I intended to sort out all my xmas shopping, visit my nan and remain smiley at work. I managed to visit my nan, complete some xmas shopping but no, didn’t think I was particularly happy at work. Then I had a punctured tyre so when I did finally venture out I ended up at a garage anyway ๐Ÿ™ˆ

This weekend hasn’t been great either, I didn’t enjoy my night out Saturday and again felt like I couldn’t sleep or didn’t need sleep. So Sunday was meant to be a day with my man but no I dropped him at the train station and went home to sleep for 3 hours. Today has been a bit better, xmas shopping is almost complete, and wrapped, I helped my sister with an issue of hers and remained relatively calm.

The quote above has helped me reflect on the bad days. I know my mood will improve, and I partly blame the time of year. To be honest I can’t wait for xmas to be over. Once it is I can relax!!