Well I think so anyway…
This new years eve was so different for me.. normally I would be out wearing a glittery, tight, uncomfortable dress in too high heels, with too much make up on. But this year was different as firstly I was working and secondly I wanted to get straight back home to my man.
Once I left work I went straight to his house to be welcomed by chinese food and cuddles. And I could not have asked for anything more. We saw the new year in holding eachother and making plans for this year. That night meant more to me than previous years, falling out of clubs/pubs and paying over the odds to get home.
I love that I was snuggled up in my mans arms to see in 2018, I love that its the only place in this world where I feel at ease, protected, safe, and loved. Most of all I felt free from the worry and thoughts that plague my mind daily.
This year on December 31st I know where i’ll be 😊❤
I am clearly a perfect example of this, this quote is relatable in so many ways. I will push my man away till he is almost as drained as I am, I don’t like this and need to channel some different behaviours. I push you away in the hope you won’t go, that you will protect me and make me feel safe. Today has been out of control, from having only three hours sleep, to trying to push you away some more then, crying about it for the rest of the early hours.. But you handle me well, you hold me, reassure me, you know how i’m feeling by my moods, my tone and my facial expressions. And for that I love you, you didn’t give up on me no matter how hard I have pushed. A few more things to add, I thank you for being my rock, making me feel safe and reminding me of all the good memories.
Tonight I have managed to calm down, be thankful and smile again 😊
I have always struggled in social situations, I desired to be a social butterfly but instead kept myself isolated. This leading me to dread meeting new people or new love. Sometimes when you aren’t looking is when you find somebody who genuinely cares, that was the case for me. This year has seen me face dark times, in which I have done so, alone. But I knew you were different as soon as I met you, I liked you straight away. But as always my anxiety makes me think the worse, so I instantly knew that the more we spoke the sooner I would have to be honest about my mental health. The more I began to fall for you the more anxious I became about telling you that I have anxiety. When I first told you, you listened, you held me and then came the hard part, you witnessed my mood changes yourself. I can be completely loving and bubbly one day then the next I can appear distant and isolated. It was then I thought you would leave me and not manage this situation, and I thank you for not doing that. Instead you talked me round, or made me laugh or just gave me a big cuddle as I cried. I’m smiling now as I write this because you don’t how much of a big difference you have made to my confidence, you have made me see that people do understand how i’m feeling, therefore I should not shut everybody out. I am grateful to have you in my life, I hope you know that all the little things you do mean the most to me.. The cute messages, the nights you have wanted us to go out when I all I wanted to do was stay in and be with you, the talks about our future and when you hold my hand when we are out. All these help me to feel secure around you and allows me to open up to you.
Although this maybe ‘cringe’ reading this, its so hard in this world today to meet someone who loves and accepts you with all your flaws, who not only understands them but helps distract you by reminding you of the positives in your life, while taking on your concerns and worries as their own. You have guided me in making decisions when I was at a loose end and supported me when I made a decision then changed my mind.
I just want you to know how grateful I am for everything you do, and that I can be miserable and tearful or ecstatic and happy, but then I look at our pictures and smile and that helps me to stay grounded.
Diary extract from yesterday!
Today on world mental health day, I have laughed, cried and slept. A mixture of emotions has filled me today and to be honest exhausted me. Like lots of other sufferers I am overwelmed by the feel of dread or worry that occurs on a daily basis.
On days like this I hardly want to speak to anyone, I like to be in my own space and keep busy. This evening I have had tea, showered and looked through a magazine. These normal daily tasks help me to keep a little bit of routine, when all I really want is to sleep all day and not move from my bed.
So now I leave you with this final quote ‘you’re not going to master the rest of your life in one day, just relax’. 😊
Diary entry: 10th October
Today is world mental health day, ironic when this has turned out to be terrible for me. For the past week I have been feeling anxious when attending placement at the Hospital, I have been feeling like i’m not part of the team, like i’m not supported and drained from the long shifts. I arrived on the car park this morning and burst into tears. I just couldn’t face it today.. but instead of going home to bed I have come into University to address the issues I have which will be resolved. I have decided that I need to be working in another environment, one which inspires my confidence in nursing. Hopefully I will get the decision I wish for and be able to move. If not i’m not entirely sure what my next step is going to be, as I have again reached breaking point even though I am aware that there are always answers.
So on this day of mental health awareness, I leave you with this one thought. ‘Don’t fake being ok, you only hurt yourself, be real with what you are going through and don’t let it consume you’. 😊
Another tip for a positive life!
I purchased this book a while ago, I love to read the quotes each day for a positive outlook. Katie Piper is an inspiration, and this book will help increase your happiness day by day #Littlethingsinlife
I remember a previous counsellor that gave me an activity to carry out. Ive always found counselling hard and could never open up about my anxieties but different counsellors have a variety of methods which they can suggest. My task was to write down my worries or fears, read through them think about them then once you have exhausted the list… Burn it and forget about the list and the worries. This helps me an awful lot during the real dark times. I’m not saying this will solve worries but it mentally and physically erases them. Then who knows what a spark could create when you return to your normal, strong self!